From the time I was 14, I could make the boys in my class question what it meant to be straight. Sleepover bump in the nights, after-school 'Im-not-gay-but-I-want-to-try-it-for-kicks', locker room sessions that would cause an old pedophile to die of cardiac arrests--you name it, I've probably done it and I might be responsible for the gayification of half the men in my northeastern metropolis.
I hail from the upper east side and that's also where I went to school. I can't say I know why I did what I did, but I think I used sex to fill the void in my heart (or the hole in my butt sometimes; so what? I'm blunt)... I think I did it in preparation for the loneliness that would manifest later.
Even though I'm in college, I still make high school boys jizz their pants. The college boys are no better. I think I'm meant to be liked, but not loved.
Even out here in Iowa, straight doesn't mean narrow. And I think that's God teasing me, telling me that He would rather make normally homophobic boys love my flesh, but hate my soul. Sigh.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
A Witch by Any Other Name
"That's why I call myself a witch now: the Wicked Witch of the West, if you want the full glory of it. As long as people are going to call you lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention." -Elphaba Thropp, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
I think quote rings truer than most everything I know. When you take a label, you take a plunge into the world. You are basically saying to the world 'Hey! This is what I am!' and you wrap yourself in all of the connotations that the label has. Sometimes the world will agree, and sometimes the world can go eat a sack of baby dicks for all I care. And if you have something to say about the decapitation, collecting, sacking and consumption of infant penises, shut up and stop hating, fuck you very much.
I think I used the same argument when this one kid called me a fake Latino back in high school... Telling someone to eat a sack of infantile members really has no comeback. Where I'm from, "Suck my dick" is a very big argument-stopper, but with the context, it would be easy to equate the opponent to a baby... Okay, rhetoric lesson over.
Anyway, the point is, the world is being imprinted with your identity as you define it. I know the purpose for my identifying as a witch, especially since the sort of magic I believe in is considered heresy by 'real' witches and just plain odd by non-witches, is basically to draw attention to myself.
Any dumbass can claim to do something, but if I can claim to do something and then remind the audience that I'm a witch, when I do it, it sparks talk.
Joe: I can change a lightbulb.
Me: I can change a lightbulb as well, but with magic.
Joe: Whatever.
Me: I can. Change the lightbulb and I'll do it.
Audience: *Watches with awe*
Joe: *Changes lightbulb*
Me: And there you have it! I have successfully changed a lightbulb.
Joe: No, I did!
Audience: Yeah, Joe did.
Me: No, I used magic to enter his mind to make him do it. You see, he only claimed that he could change a lightbulb. I used magic to motivate Joe into actually changing the lightbulb.
Both you and I know that the logic and explanation are shit, but if you think about it, a better rhetorician could spin it in such a way that you believe it. Sort of how conmen and salespeople convince you that you need something and then proceed to sell it to you. They create a desire and then proceed to fill it. Dirty as that sounds, it's the truth.
And I'm done.
Fuck you very much, baby dick eater.
Not you, dear reader. He knows who he is.
I think quote rings truer than most everything I know. When you take a label, you take a plunge into the world. You are basically saying to the world 'Hey! This is what I am!' and you wrap yourself in all of the connotations that the label has. Sometimes the world will agree, and sometimes the world can go eat a sack of baby dicks for all I care. And if you have something to say about the decapitation, collecting, sacking and consumption of infant penises, shut up and stop hating, fuck you very much.
I think I used the same argument when this one kid called me a fake Latino back in high school... Telling someone to eat a sack of infantile members really has no comeback. Where I'm from, "Suck my dick" is a very big argument-stopper, but with the context, it would be easy to equate the opponent to a baby... Okay, rhetoric lesson over.
Anyway, the point is, the world is being imprinted with your identity as you define it. I know the purpose for my identifying as a witch, especially since the sort of magic I believe in is considered heresy by 'real' witches and just plain odd by non-witches, is basically to draw attention to myself.
Any dumbass can claim to do something, but if I can claim to do something and then remind the audience that I'm a witch, when I do it, it sparks talk.
Joe: I can change a lightbulb.
Me: I can change a lightbulb as well, but with magic.
Joe: Whatever.
Me: I can. Change the lightbulb and I'll do it.
Audience: *Watches with awe*
Joe: *Changes lightbulb*
Me: And there you have it! I have successfully changed a lightbulb.
Joe: No, I did!
Audience: Yeah, Joe did.
Me: No, I used magic to enter his mind to make him do it. You see, he only claimed that he could change a lightbulb. I used magic to motivate Joe into actually changing the lightbulb.
Both you and I know that the logic and explanation are shit, but if you think about it, a better rhetorician could spin it in such a way that you believe it. Sort of how conmen and salespeople convince you that you need something and then proceed to sell it to you. They create a desire and then proceed to fill it. Dirty as that sounds, it's the truth.
And I'm done.
Fuck you very much, baby dick eater.
Not you, dear reader. He knows who he is.
All the King's Horses
I am alone and loveless, the winter frost creeping through my bones like a mass of albino spiders intent on cutting off the pumping of my blood. The sad part is, I'm not a loser. I'm one of those popular guys who everyone sorta kinda knows and respects. But little do they know that the individual they're respecting is nothing but a hollow shell of the real person inside. If I am inside.
I think I don't belong in American society. I think I should be somewhere like rural Japan. If it's anything like I think it is, I can go about my days monotonously and enjoy the world as it passes day by day in a steady pace.
I would ride a bike to school, take my classes, come home and do my homework, do household chores, and then go to sleep after eating and a tiny bit of socializing. I think that would be awful swell. My life is far too high-speed. My body can keep up and so can my mind, but I think my soul and emotional self are both left behind. Just bloop... A disconnect.
It also doesn't help that the snowfall is insane... Maybe the next time it comes, I should sit out there underneath a tree and really feel the chill creeping through my bones like I described...
But I'm not emo or suicidal. I'm just a he-witch trying to figure out what everything means.
Maybe I should do a post on my view of symbols as they relate to magic and meaning.
I think I don't belong in American society. I think I should be somewhere like rural Japan. If it's anything like I think it is, I can go about my days monotonously and enjoy the world as it passes day by day in a steady pace.
I would ride a bike to school, take my classes, come home and do my homework, do household chores, and then go to sleep after eating and a tiny bit of socializing. I think that would be awful swell. My life is far too high-speed. My body can keep up and so can my mind, but I think my soul and emotional self are both left behind. Just bloop... A disconnect.
It also doesn't help that the snowfall is insane... Maybe the next time it comes, I should sit out there underneath a tree and really feel the chill creeping through my bones like I described...
But I'm not emo or suicidal. I'm just a he-witch trying to figure out what everything means.
Maybe I should do a post on my view of symbols as they relate to magic and meaning.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Magic, really
Magic is a tool for some and a lifestyle for others. Some use it as needed, others live under its veil and view every action, thought, and gesture as some sort of magical happening. I’m the former.
Magic is not hocus-pocus, wands and chalices and this and that. Magic, if it had to be categorized, would fall into the fields of psychology and communication. In order to perform magic, you have to convince yourself that you have the power to engender change and direct influence over circumstance and others. Magic is a product of specialized language and (usually) self-directed psychological guidance.
Therapy is a form of applied magic, in my opinion. The witch (the shrink) uses learned skills (psychology) and specialized language (communication) in order to get past the target’s (client’s) mental defenses and locate a problem. The witch then uses his or her knowledge to help that person get better by giving advice or helping the client realize his or her own power to change his or her situation.
Magic is about changing your mental state to bring yourself higher either materialistically or spiritually. If you are depressed, magic is the process by which you gather enough goodwill toward the future, or hope—you’re changing your mind and the way you see things in order to ensure a better life. A love spell is about the equivalent of realizing you like someone, psyching yourself up, and then using that confidence to talk to the object of your desire. And because confidence is so important, it’s looked at as a very big necessity.
I dunno—I think I just like using the connotation of magic in order to explain everyday things because there’s a certain glory in being able to proclaim yourself a witch that appeals to me. But anyway, a parallel is a parallel and the one I have sure makes my days much more enjoyable.
Magic is not hocus-pocus, wands and chalices and this and that. Magic, if it had to be categorized, would fall into the fields of psychology and communication. In order to perform magic, you have to convince yourself that you have the power to engender change and direct influence over circumstance and others. Magic is a product of specialized language and (usually) self-directed psychological guidance.
Therapy is a form of applied magic, in my opinion. The witch (the shrink) uses learned skills (psychology) and specialized language (communication) in order to get past the target’s (client’s) mental defenses and locate a problem. The witch then uses his or her knowledge to help that person get better by giving advice or helping the client realize his or her own power to change his or her situation.
Magic is about changing your mental state to bring yourself higher either materialistically or spiritually. If you are depressed, magic is the process by which you gather enough goodwill toward the future, or hope—you’re changing your mind and the way you see things in order to ensure a better life. A love spell is about the equivalent of realizing you like someone, psyching yourself up, and then using that confidence to talk to the object of your desire. And because confidence is so important, it’s looked at as a very big necessity.
I dunno—I think I just like using the connotation of magic in order to explain everyday things because there’s a certain glory in being able to proclaim yourself a witch that appeals to me. But anyway, a parallel is a parallel and the one I have sure makes my days much more enjoyable.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The Revelution
I think I'm a part of a revolution now. I went to a leadership conference on Friday and came back today with the knowledge that stuff has got to change. Well, I actually already knew that stuff had to change, but I mean stuff has to change NOW. Disparities in social justice, health care, education--so many issues need addressing and so many coalitions need building. I found myself leading a few discussions, and while I admit it was kind of scary, it was also very exhilarating. It made me feel like stuff could happen--so many leaders in one place!! Now if we can just connect...
It's all so much and so sudden; I'll elaborate more later.
It's all so much and so sudden; I'll elaborate more later.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A Rundown
So this is my first post… A bit about me, I guess.
My name is Juan and I’m comfortable telling you this because my name is so popular that the chances a creeper will find me are slim to none. I’m from a big city on the east coast, but I go to school in a tiny town in the Midwest. Sexually, I prefer males, but am comfortable being romantically involved with women, though I prefer to keep it to a minimum due to the amount of complications that would arise when I tell said woman to keep her shirt on after the date. I struggle with a condition where I think a lot about my thinking and my actions—some call it deep thinking; I call it annoying.
But that’s what the blog is about: Deep thinking and the isolation that arises from it.
I’m unapologetically social—I wave to everyone I see on campus, I talk to people whether or not I know them (this only gets better when I’ve had a drink), and I have the best friends anyone could have ever! If ever I need a lunch buddy, someone is just a dial away. If I cannot get in touch via phone, chances normally dictate that I will see someone I know well enough to eat with in the cafeteria. And closer to my heart are my best friends—the ones I love and cherish and think of always. In my group of friends, I'm typically the crone-character (sort of like the grandparent who steps in when the parent-character), though when the "mommy" has everything under control I can afford to be childish and a handful. I'm somewhat popular, given that people know me by name and can connect that name with my face most of the time. I’m hardly a loner.
And yet, somehow, I’m the loneliest individual I know.
So let's recap
Name: Juan Lopez (Jua-Lo lol)
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Orientation: Gay
Spirituality: I guess it would be considered a form of paganism if it had to have a name, but it includes tributes to my ancestors, acknowledgment of equality between the high and the low, acknowledgment of my divinity and the divinity of every living being, and the practice of psychological/social/communication-based "magic."
External traits: Outgoing, extroverted, social, caring
Internal traits: Fatalistic(ish), deterministic(ish), mothering, vengeful,somewhat utterly lonely
My name is Juan and I’m comfortable telling you this because my name is so popular that the chances a creeper will find me are slim to none. I’m from a big city on the east coast, but I go to school in a tiny town in the Midwest. Sexually, I prefer males, but am comfortable being romantically involved with women, though I prefer to keep it to a minimum due to the amount of complications that would arise when I tell said woman to keep her shirt on after the date. I struggle with a condition where I think a lot about my thinking and my actions—some call it deep thinking; I call it annoying.
But that’s what the blog is about: Deep thinking and the isolation that arises from it.
I’m unapologetically social—I wave to everyone I see on campus, I talk to people whether or not I know them (this only gets better when I’ve had a drink), and I have the best friends anyone could have ever! If ever I need a lunch buddy, someone is just a dial away. If I cannot get in touch via phone, chances normally dictate that I will see someone I know well enough to eat with in the cafeteria. And closer to my heart are my best friends—the ones I love and cherish and think of always. In my group of friends, I'm typically the crone-character (sort of like the grandparent who steps in when the parent-character), though when the "mommy" has everything under control I can afford to be childish and a handful. I'm somewhat popular, given that people know me by name and can connect that name with my face most of the time. I’m hardly a loner.
And yet, somehow, I’m the loneliest individual I know.
So let's recap
Name: Juan Lopez (Jua-Lo lol)
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Orientation: Gay
Spirituality: I guess it would be considered a form of paganism if it had to have a name, but it includes tributes to my ancestors, acknowledgment of equality between the high and the low, acknowledgment of my divinity and the divinity of every living being, and the practice of psychological/social/communication-based "magic."
External traits: Outgoing, extroverted, social, caring
Internal traits: Fatalistic(ish), deterministic(ish), mothering, vengeful,
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