Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Sofa King Sexy

From the time I was 14, I could make the boys in my class question what it meant to be straight. Sleepover bump in the nights, after-school 'Im-not-gay-but-I-want-to-try-it-for-kicks', locker room sessions that would cause an old pedophile to die of cardiac arrests--you name it, I've probably done it and I might be responsible for the gayification of half the men in my northeastern metropolis.
I hail from the upper east side and that's also where I went to school. I can't say I know why I did what I did, but I think I used sex to fill the void in my heart (or the hole in my butt sometimes; so what? I'm blunt)... I think I did it in preparation for the loneliness that would manifest later.
Even though I'm in college, I still make high school boys jizz their pants. The college boys are no better. I think I'm meant to be liked, but not loved.
Even out here in Iowa, straight doesn't mean narrow. And I think that's God teasing me, telling me that He would rather make normally homophobic boys love my flesh, but hate my soul. Sigh.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A Witch by Any Other Name

"That's why I call myself a witch now: the Wicked Witch of the West, if you want the full glory of it. As long as people are going to call you lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention." -Elphaba Thropp, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West

I think quote rings truer than most everything I know. When you take a label, you take a plunge into the world. You are basically saying to the world 'Hey! This is what I am!' and you wrap yourself in all of the connotations that the label has. Sometimes the world will agree, and sometimes the world can go eat a sack of baby dicks for all I care. And if you have something to say about the decapitation, collecting, sacking and consumption of infant penises, shut up and stop hating, fuck you very much.
I think I used the same argument when this one kid called me a fake Latino back in high school... Telling someone to eat a sack of infantile members really has no comeback. Where I'm from, "Suck my dick" is a very big argument-stopper, but with the context, it would be easy to equate the opponent to a baby... Okay, rhetoric lesson over.
Anyway, the point is, the world is being imprinted with your identity as you define it. I know the purpose for my identifying as a witch, especially since the sort of magic I believe in is considered heresy by 'real' witches and just plain odd by non-witches, is basically to draw attention to myself.
Any dumbass can claim to do something, but if I can claim to do something and then remind the audience that I'm a witch, when I do it, it sparks talk.

Joe: I can change a lightbulb.
Me: I can change a lightbulb as well, but with magic.
Joe: Whatever.
Me: I can. Change the lightbulb and I'll do it.
Audience: *Watches with awe*
Joe: *Changes lightbulb*
Me: And there you have it! I have successfully changed a lightbulb.
Joe: No, I did!
Audience: Yeah, Joe did.
Me: No, I used magic to enter his mind to make him do it. You see, he only claimed that he could change a lightbulb. I used magic to motivate Joe into actually changing the lightbulb.

Both you and I know that the logic and explanation are shit, but if you think about it, a better rhetorician could spin it in such a way that you believe it. Sort of how conmen and salespeople convince you that you need something and then proceed to sell it to you. They create a desire and then proceed to fill it. Dirty as that sounds, it's the truth.

And I'm done.
Fuck you very much, baby dick eater.
Not you, dear reader. He knows who he is.

All the King's Horses

I am alone and loveless, the winter frost creeping through my bones like a mass of albino spiders intent on cutting off the pumping of my blood. The sad part is, I'm not a loser. I'm one of those popular guys who everyone sorta kinda knows and respects. But little do they know that the individual they're respecting is nothing but a hollow shell of the real person inside. If I am inside.
I think I don't belong in American society. I think I should be somewhere like rural Japan. If it's anything like I think it is, I can go about my days monotonously and enjoy the world as it passes day by day in a steady pace.
I would ride a bike to school, take my classes, come home and do my homework, do household chores, and then go to sleep after eating and a tiny bit of socializing. I think that would be awful swell. My life is far too high-speed. My body can keep up and so can my mind, but I think my soul and emotional self are both left behind. Just bloop... A disconnect.
It also doesn't help that the snowfall is insane... Maybe the next time it comes, I should sit out there underneath a tree and really feel the chill creeping through my bones like I described...
But I'm not emo or suicidal. I'm just a he-witch trying to figure out what everything means.
Maybe I should do a post on my view of symbols as they relate to magic and meaning.